Wednesday, February 29, 2012

An Essay on Meowing

In our household of three felines and one giant beast (the newfoundland doof, Aoife), us cats have found the meow very useful when used properly. Some will advise to use it sparingly; you may have heard of the great work ‘The Silent Meow’1. This can be a very effective manner in achieving your hearts desire, however us of the Butland residence follow a different school of thought: The Omnipresent Meow.

This has developed in our household from our patriarch, Griff (AKA Professor Griffington) being a Burmese. Burmeses, Siameses and all things oriental follow the principles of The Omipresent Meow, and hence both Sylvie and I have seen its effectiveness first hand, and thus have modified it to our own personal uses.

Griff is constantly heard howling the house down when he wants attention. As his breed dictates, he has perfected the loud wail within decibels of the ultimate annoyance factor. Sylvie and I, not being oriental in any form, cannot achieve this same pitch, however it does not cease the usefulness of our meows. Griff will yowl mainly for a) cuddles (after choosing a vacant room as far as possible from mum, so his yowl echoes around the house) or b) outside time, while standing on the kitchen bench by a slightly open window. (This is a point of contention between him and mum because we are inside cats, unless garden time is supervised).

Sylvie’s meows are at a softer frequency, and have a delicate female trill accenting the base mew. She mainly meows for a number of reasons a) she wants a tap to be tuned on (and often sits in the bathtub waiting for human eye contact before trilling); b) she wants to play fetch – the meow is at a higher frequency as she runs into the room with a milk ring in her mouth; c) Its dinner time, and a gentle trill reminds mum that she’s hungry.

My meows have been modified for my own purposes. One of my meows is mum’s favorite sound – she even has a special name for it, the Purr-Meow. When I’m really happy and purring I sometimes let a small quiver of mew escape in my happiness. The other morning (being 4:30 am, and Griff had just gone in for cuddles) I tried a different technique. I saw my orange mousey sitting on the couch and decided that I just had to play with it. So I meowed incessantly to mum to come out to me. I didn’t stop meowing, either. It went something like this: “meow…meow…meow…meow…meow...meow…”

Unfortunately this wasn’t the first time I’ve done this, and I think I might have overplayed my cards. Unlike previously, when mum darted out of bed thinking something was wrong, she stayed in slumber. So I kept meowing, creeping up to the door, I even carried orange mousey with me. Except mum wasn’t sleeping – I caught her peering at me from the comforts of her bed, Griff snuggled in her arms. And now that she knew nothing was wrong with me, she went back to sleep. Darn it! It was a lesson for myself in the differences between the Omnipresent Meow and the Incessant Meow – the Incessant Meow needs to be used sparingly along the lines of the Silent Meow.

One last comment of meowing – in a multi-cat household, the meow can be used to its advantages to cause maximum annoyance. For example: the vet trip. When all three of us go for annual vaccinations, the Incessant Meow is employed quite effectively as three cats with three different tones yowl, trill and quiver as mum drives. If we have to suffer, so does she.

Asst/Prof. Kinky



Figure One: Asst/Proff. Kinky demonstrates stretching the vocal chords (front right leg shaved from a past incident involving a bee sting, inflammation and a trip to the emergency hospital).


1. Gallico, P. W., (1964). The Silent Meow: A Manual for Kittens, Strays and Homeless Cats. Crown Publishers.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Lesson Two: Beware the hat

Don't let your human put silly things on your head and take photos (Fig 1). Don't let them make you look silly at all. This is most likely to occur in the following situations:

1. While sleeping (Fig 2); As a precaution ensure that at least 30 % of brain function while snoozing is on-call, to circumnavigate sneaky human behaviour (i.e. sleep with one eye open if required).

2. Treat induced play (Fig 3); Resist the urge to do silly tricks or wear silly costumes for treats. If the urge is too strong, at least ensure the treat is classed as High Value (i.e. moist, meaty treats are best).

If caught in a compromising situation, assume an unimpressed expression (Fig. 4).

Lastly: Always weigh up the pros and cons of the situation. Sometimes a small indiscretion may result in a huge payout (e.g. birthday hats may result in a special birthday dinner, or toys). As long as there is no or limited photo evidence, this can be tolerated.

Asst/Prof. Sylvie


Figure One: Asst/Prof. Sylvie models an example of silly behaviour with a hat placed on her head by her human.

Figure Two: Asst/Prof. Sylvie demonstrates what may happen if you fall asleep and don't preserve some brain function towards eliminating sneaky human behaviour - tap/pipe on head.


Figure Three: Asst/Prof. Sylvie demonstrates what may happen if you succumb to treat induced play.

Figure Three: Asst/Prof. Sylvie demonstrates the correct 'unimpressed' facial expression when a silly apparatus is placed on her body. Cats do not need to partake in festive holidays or moods, unless they benefit directly (i.e. presents).

Lesson One: Cuddling

Sometimes it's time to cuddle, and a cat knows when that time is. A good human should accommodate this. For example, I really enjoy early morning embraces, and mum knows this. I’ve trained her to lift up the blankets so I can curl into her belly (and knead the oh-so-soft skin if desired). I can further define early morning as between 4:00 and 5:55 am (before the alarm goes off – I know I’m off the game when that damn thing bleeps and I’m not in bed, then its a racing game to get there before mum stirs, although I normally have five minutes up my tail).

I’ll let mum off every now and then for being tardy, or non-responsive. The other night I really felt like a cuddle. Mum had only been asleep for a few hours, but it was snuggle time, I could just feel it. After insistent prodding and walking across her face, she didn’t budge, her soft breathing similar to the dog in slumber, so I managed to poke a hole under the blankets myself and assume snuggle position. When she did wake, her hands automatically started patting me. I do love a well trained human.

Sylvie sleeps on the bottom of the bed, in between mum’s legs, so with both of us in place mum is pinned down. When the weather gets cooler, Kinky will probably join us, so three cats will be sufficient heating to ensure that the dog isn’t brought in for heating. The dog always stinks of sweat, stale grass and cat poo. Who would want to use that for cuddle-time?

Back to my main point, cuddle time. Your human should be accommodating you when cuddles, pats and head rubs are required. This does not, however, work in the reverse order. Be wary less they think they can command a cuddle at any time they want. Even if you do agree a cuddle may be nice, make sure at least 60 % of the time you give them the cold shoulder, turn your back, close your eyes or walk off. And if they try and pick you up for a cuddle embrace, claws are permitted, for their own benefit, to keep them in line.

Prof. Griff



Figures 1 and 2: Professor Griff demonstrates the blanket mode of cuddling, without human prop.